Growing up I was always quiet, self-conscious, afraid to speak my mind. And it wasn’t until about three years ago that I decided to seek help and see a therapist.
Now I know there is still that crazy stigma surrounding the topic of mental heath. But, I’m here to speak out about my own journey, and maybe, just maybe, give someone the strength to seek the help they need. Or don’t need.
I’m a firm believer that EVERYONE, and I do mean EVERYONE, should go to therapy. My journey has taken me places I’d never thought I would go. It hasn’t been easy. It most certainly hasn’t been glamorous.
And it has definitely been painful. But MAN has it been worth it.
I was in a relationship that was stagnant, wasn’t going anywhere, and one that we both just stayed in because it was safe. That relationship had been the most stable thing in my life, and leaving it was something that I was terrified of.
And, in all honesty, if I hadn’t sought help when I did, I would have stayed.
Stayed motionless.
Stayed scared.
Stayed negative.
Stayed unhappy.
Stayed small and silent.
Stayed pretending to be something and someone that I wasn’t.
And I wasn’t doing a very good job at pretending anyways. I wasn’t happy, I just didn’t know what to do.
I was suffering from the trauma that was my childhood, and instead of creating happiness and stability within myself, I was using those around me to provide it. And when they couldn’t, I was upset. At them.
Because that made sense.
I realized as I began to be more independent, I didn’t need, or even like some of the people I was surrounding myself with. I didn’t even like the guy I was planning to spend the rest of my life with.
More than anything though, I didn’t like myself. I didn’t like my attitude. I didn’t like how ungrateful I was. I didn’t like how negative I was. I didn’t like how I felt dependent upon everyone but myself.
It wasn’t until I had to go to my half sister’s wedding alone, because my FIANCE, at the time wouldn’t go with me, that I realized it wasn’t love anymore.
I was so upset when I left, alone, because I didn’t have any support with me, that I almost drove off of a bridge. A BRIDGE. That was my breaking point.
I took a good, long look in the mirror that night. With my splotchy red face, tear stained eyes, make-up running down my face and chest.
And I decided to love myself.
To become what I needed.
To support myself.
Even if I had to do it alone. And I did. Do it alone, I mean.
I started small, affirmations on post it notes. Everywhere.
Thinking positively about myself, not negatively.
Making a list of qualities in others that I admired, qualities that I wanted to possess. And becoming that.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still working on myself. It’s something that will never be done, there isn’t a finish line. But it is something I enjoy doing. And it makes me ME.
I’m wild. I’m free. I’m crazy. I’m silly. I’m funny. I’m a safe place. I’m grateful. I’m honest. I’m a hot mess. I’m unfiltered. I’m nerdy. I’m confident. I’m brave. I’m passionate. I’m authentic.
And most importantly, I’m unapologetic about it. I love with everything I have in me. I have no regrets.
Start your journey, it’s never too late. Do something. Be something. Be everything. Be who you always needed.
Love ya, mean it. -A
